The band T-shirt — a staple of youth culture since the late ’60s.

So many bands to see, so many different styles. But, there are so many rules to follow when wearing these shirts to prevent total embarrassment.

Why do we have these inane rules? Because we don’t want to appear like a totally obsessed fan, or look like the one guy at Music Midtown wearing a Styx T-shirt and sporting a less-than-perfect red neck mullet.

People may call me a rock elitist because I try to follow the rules so closely. That may be true, I am too self-conscious at times.

The first rule: Never wear the T-shirt of a band which happens to be the same one you are going to see.

Again, picture that same mullet-man at Music Midtown and his Jerry Cantrell shirt yelling “Rock!” and giving a somewhat poor devil/rock ‘n’ roll hand gesture while holding a 40-ounce can of Milwaukee’s Best.

As said in the film, “PCU,” you don’t want to be “that guy.”

The next rule, if you own multiple shirts of the same band, don’t wear them two days in a row.

You don’t want someone to think you have a limited number of shirts. Sometimes that will lead to the feared “didn’t you wear that yesterday?” insults from the preppy girl at the end of your row.

People may also eventually find out the truth and may make fun of you for being completely obsessed with a certain band, which brings me to the next rule.

It is never permissible, under any circumstance, to wear either a Metallica or Megadeth shirt.

Being the complete nerd I am, I spent my middle school and early high school years perusing the many guitar publications, spending extra time on the advertisements for various band T-shirts. On these ads, there were at least 30 separate shirts dedicated to Metallica or Megadeth.

I am not trying to insult the musicianship of the two bands; there have simply been way too many shirts made for them.

Another trend over the past couple of years is wearing T-shirts of long forgotten bands. Just because you may have a Human League shirt from 1982, doesn’t make you cool, and the joke you are trying to make really isn’t that funny.

There is a reason those shirts were at the thrift stores, someone else was trying to get rid of them because they couldn’t even hold the duty of waxing someone’s car.

The rule on vintage shirts: Please only wear them if they are in decent condition.

Back in middle school, I had this Pearl Jam shirt, and I thought I was the coolest kid in the world. The front of the shirt featured a little girl coloring with crayons. The back, in huge green letters, said, “Nine out of ten kids prefer crayons to guns.”

And that same preppy girl who sat at the end of my row, enlisted the whole class in making fun of that shirt.

Being the cry baby that I still am to this day, I never wore that shirt to school again. I guess I should have thought of wearing an anti-NRA shirt in the gun-happy west Cobb County.

Now, these rules only really apply if you are as insecure as I am. If I can save that small percentage though from one day of possible ridicule, then my work is done.

– Parker Davidson is a senior in publication management. The Classic Rant is a variety column appearing weekly.