It occurred to me the other day as I was ruminating on the past that I’m going to hell.

And I hear it’s brutal this time of year.

What horrible transgression have I committed, what irredeemable sin, you ask?

Well I’ll tell you. I had the audacity to spit in the face of the Creator and attend a football game.

GASP!

I know, it’s horrid. The guilt of those few hours will haunt me for all eternity.

Come on, you’ve seen those guys who stand outside all the games, holding signs and warning us all of the devilish consequences of going to watch football.

This reminds me of a few things that arouse my wrath in the religious world today. Wrath, for those of you who don’t know, is a religious way of saying angry.

Bet you didn’t know I knew words like that.

Before all you fanatics out there cry out for my blood or call in the Spanish Inquisition, let me say a couple things.

I think Voltaire said it best: “I may not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”

One more thing: I’ll be sticking to Christianity today.

First of all, I have to say one of the things that really bothers me is the measure of hypocrisy that has wormed its way into Christianity these days.

Remember all those FCA guys in high school? How many of them were actually the righteous warriors for Christ they all claimed to be?

Another creed that bothers me like a festering boil is all those folks spouting, “all you have to do is believe.”

Chew on this. James 2:19 says “You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that — and shudder.”

‘Nuff said.

Finally, I get to the most eternal of my foes, the Catholic Church. With the recent scandal they’ve just about done my job for me.

First things first, I’ve read through the Bible and I’ve never read anything about any pope in there. Whoever started this one up is pulling the wool over a lot of eyes.

Personally, I think the pope ought to be abolished.

I think someone made a serious mistake with the near-deification of Mary.

Let me tell you something: praying to Mary is going to get you exactly nowhere. She was just a person like you and me.

Communion was meant to be done in remembrance of Christ, not in consumption of him. That eucharist thing, where the cracker and wine becomes his flesh and blood, is just twisted.

Christianity isn’t an easy thing to get right, folks. But if you’re going to have religious pretensions, try reading that book where these things are based. It’s called the Bible, by the way. Some of you don’t seem to know that.

– Kristian Robben is variety editor for The Red & Black.