For derriere deprived, Baby has no back
October 30, 2007 by The Red and Black Archives
Filed under Opinions
I’m a big fan of The Band, which is about as good and simple a name for a rock group as can be. Too many musicians these days have names that are misleading.
One that springs to mind is Barenaked Ladies. Those Canadians ought to thank their lucky acoustic guitars they haven’t been taken to court in a false advertising suit brought by a 13-year-old with too much testosterone and no sense of humor.
Anyway, The Band has a song called “The Weight” that is not well understood. And I should know because I took History of Rock and Roll and even showed up for class most of the time.
The first line of the chorus, “Take a load off Fannie,” usually is thought to mean that some woman named Fannie should kick back and relax a bit. That may be a worthwhile message to send to the over-stressed, but it is a misinterpretation based on typos.
Drop the “ie” and add a “y” to “Fannie,” then make the first letter lowercase and the meaning becomes quite clear: Obviously, the song is a plea to end discrimination against the gluteus-impaired.
For those of you who don’t know, a considerable portion of the population is without significant cushioning on their backsides. I am among them. To put it more frankly, I’m like an ashtray in a government building: without a butt in sight. I have to carry two wallets just to give the impression of some sort of junk in my trunk. I don’t own a pair of pants I can rely upon to stay around my waist, and my rear is so bony I popped the last pool float I tried to use.
The prejudice against people like me isn’t even subtle. Take Sir Mix-a-Lot’s ode to women with oversized behinds, “Baby Got Back.” He “don’t want none unless you got buns, hun.” Yeah, well baby never got back on the charts after that one, did he?
Bias against us is not only verbal. Tell me, how can I listen to my professors droning on and on when my spine is drilling through my skin-thin bottom and into my metal chair?
The only place on campus with seats cushioned enough to fulfill my needs is the Student Learning Center. But you people with your badonkadonks take up two at a time to stretch out, and all that’s left for me to sit on is a wooden chair. So I’m forced to shift from one puny bun to the other in a vain attempt to avoid bruising my pelvis.
The other day, a girl sprawled between two easy chairs was watching me go through this painful ordeal and still didn’t feel moved to give up her footrest. So, once I was finished half-butting through my homework, I walked past her and did the respectable thing. I turned the other cheek.
Unfortunately I pulled my hamstring, which must be attached to my lower back, and fell on the ground. She just cackled, her already-buffered rear resting comfortably in the padding. Having nothing to tell her to kiss, all I could do was hope she’d laugh hers off.
- Matt Lee is a senior from Waycross majoring in newspapers.
