The Red and Black

Issue date: 3/28/08 Section: Opinions

But it really is me

By RACHEL WEBSTER

I heard a song the other day that went, "If you think you're in love, you've got to be honest." The singers cheerfully proceeded to list some of the lowdown lies you potentially could tell someone with whom you're in a relationship.

"I've never brought anyone here before," they quipped.

"It's just a cold sore."

And the ubiquitous, "It's not you, it's me."

But wait. Is that one necessarily a lie? I am pretty sure I have said it to guys, and - here's where it gets confusing - it really was me.

Sometimes there really isn't anything wrong with the other person, but you're just feeling too busy - or lazy or stressed or disinterested for some reason that has nothing to do with them - to put a lot of work into a relationship.

Take, for example, the archetypal Perfect Young Man (or Woman. I assume it essentially would work the same way).

You know the one I'm talking about. He's the handsome, intelligent one who speaks a Romance language while simultaneously picking out the perfect bottle of wine (because he knows about that). He has a job AND a college degree. He opens doors chivalrously and calls courteously when he says he will. He's athletic but not intimidatingly so. And he respects you.

So if you didn't reciprocate the romantic aspirations of this individual toward you, doesn't that mean the trouble is yours, not his? You're just not that interested through no fault of his own.

It's you and not him.

Maybe you can't believe such a Perfect Young Man is actually interested in you. Maybe you don't think you deserve the attentions of such a lovely, seemingly unflawed person.

Or there could be someone else you're interested in, someone who keeps you on your toes and refuses to let you get too comfortable and complacent. Someone who appears to resist your wiles, making you ever more determined to attract his attention.

Maybe you've grown to like, or at least become accustomed to, that edge-of-your-seat nervousness of wondering if that special someone is ever going to call. Or that gut-gnawing self-doubt that sets in when he doesn't call.

Where's the surprise, the action, the intrigue if he always calls right when he says he will? Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Maybe the real surprise is that he does call right when he says he will. At our age and level of experience in relationships, it might be intriguing if someone is actually - gasp! - reliable. Not full of games and deceptions and manipulations.

I think the Perfect Young Man is ahead of his time. In a few years, I probably will be better able to appreciate this attention and reliability. Now, I personally prefer the chase. A challenge. A learning experience.

It's not you, it's me. Honest.

- Rachel Webster is a senior from Roswell majoring in magazines.

Avoid the cliche

By PHILLIP KISUBIKA

I know the drill. I've seen it happen, and it's happened to me countless times. The names change and the faces age, but those five words are eternally damning.

"It's not you, it's me."

After hearing those words from several pretty faces, I believe your confidence can go in two very extreme directions: You can get a big head thinking you're too good for the person who just crushed you, or you can cower in the corner of your bedroom in firm belief that you're so repulsive that he or she had to use a convoluted excuse to get rid of you.

Because that's what clichés such as "It's not you, it's me" are ­- excuses. Plain and simple. It's right up there with, "I think we work better as friends" and "I need to work on myself," each another dagger to every lonely heart out there.

Sure, it can be funny sometimes. George Costanza, a self-proclaimed idiot and loser on "Seinfeld," even took pride in using the patented alibi: "You're giving me the 'It's not you, it's me' routine? I invented 'It's not you, it's me.' Nobody tells me it's them, not me. If it's anybody, it's me."

Maybe I take these things too personally. I've seen many of the same people who give those types of cop-outs in the arms of a new companion within days. I guess they were able to put aside their self-loathing long enough to find someone else's hand to hold.

Though my experience is with women, men are just as guilty of using "It's not you, it's me."

According to a Men's Health magazine survey, one-third of men admit they're lying when they blame themselves for the demise of the relationship. It all goes back to being true to yourself and your significant other.

Urbandictionary.com's first definition of "It's not you, it's me" is "I no longer find you attractive, but I can't say that because then I'll feel guilty. Oh, by the way, good riddance."

In most of these cases, this excuse is used to try to soften the blow a bit - to ensure you know you're a great person, a caring person, a person who's perfectly right ... for someone else. The fact is it doesn't. It's similar to compounding praise on a well-cooked meal, then throwing it in the trash after a couple bites.

More often than not, people use it to evade conflict, the one thing present in any kind of relationship, good or bad.

When you end up finding someone who you truly care about, conflict - and the resolutions thereafter - will be sure to follow.

I know there are some people who really mean it when they say, "It's not you, it's me," people who truly feel the need to step away from a relationship because they believe they are a detriment to it.

I accept it, but I ask that those people think of better ways to express that sentiment.

A heartfelt statement of lack of interest may not always ease the pain, but it is honest. As unpleasant as the truth may be, it works better than a thinly-veiled justification.

That may be you, but it's not me.

- Phillip Kisubika is the recruitment editor for The Red & Black.

Page 1 of 1

Article Tools