The Red and Black

Issue date: 2/7/08 Section: Out & About

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"The Eye" would be viewable only under the following circumstances: Take away the regurgitated "I see dead people" shtick, Jessica Alba's vocal chords, her Mother-Goose narration, her attempt to pass as a refined concert violinist, the PG-13 rating that numbs any actual horror, a love interest with as much spark as Elton John and Ellen DeGeneres, a redemptive road trip that tries to pass as a journey to Mecca, the insistence of every character to play human wrecking ball and puncture any semblance of lighting to create a "creepy" ambiance, the over reliance on artificially creepy kids, the audacious clues with the subtlety of a jackhammer to the head of our eye candy sleuth, Alba's superwoman persona, the often astonishing Parker Posey, who has no business playing sidekick to Alba (time to pay the rent perhaps?), the cheap manipulation of using that cancer kid to evoke sympathy, Alba's inability to show surprise without opening wide enough for a fleet of flies, political statements about stem cell research (thought that was sly, and, like, smart, huh?) and did I mention the character actress of our time, Alba?

Whew.

Really, try to see this film and not ramble.

To directors David Moreau and Xavier Palud (this took two of you): start preparing your Razzie acceptance speech.

Put Alba where she belongs - not in an orchestra hall but in a third grade music class screeching out hits on her recorder. What's next, Paul Walker as maestro?

Stop trying to convert Asian horror clicks to mainstream American fare. "The Ring" has long passed. You just were beat down at the box office by "Hannah Montana."

A pretty face, shoddy CGI and a few supped up noises won't pass anymore.

But then again, this is February, where for every "There Will be Blood," we are inundated with a barrage of rubbish the studios wouldn't release in the fall awards season.

This is the colonoscopy movie time of the year, as if the cinematic terrain needs to be purged of anything remotely substantive. Perhaps we should stay away from multiplexes for a few months.

If still interested: Jessica Alba is blind. She has a cornea transplant. She sees dead people. Turns out, these eyes have quite the history. She walks down 97,354 empty halls. She searches for redemption. She learns the ways of the world. Roll credits.

Then the audience can open their eyes.

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