We have four years in college. Well, most of us at least. Only four short years to attain the thing that is most essential in securing our futures.
That’s right ladies, four years to find a husband. Every true woman knows how vital it is to find the right brilliant babe to father their children and replenish their bank accounts. A Southern belle is nothing but a pretty face and pearls without a man to eat her cooking and appreciate her cleaning.
So ladies, the clock is ticking and the hunnies are being taken at an alarmingly fast pace. Our expiration dates are fast approaching. To help you find that special someone, I’ve laid out step-by-step directions for how to secure your husband and consequentially, your future.
Step 1: Most of you have already have completed step one; you’re here at the University. Not only are we academically prestigious, we also have the finest selection of men the South has to offer. These gentlemen (at least the ones in your dating pool) dress in nothing but the frattiest clothes they can purchase, take hard classes that will inevitably lead to a high salary job and they love their mommas. What else could a girl ask for? Now all you have to do is pick out your perfect prince, and zero in for the kill.
Step 2: Spend your free time casually moseying around the law school, Ag Hill or Terry. This is where you’ll find the most ambitious guys, which directly correlates to how well they’ll be able to provide for you and your future mini Mr. Perfects. The trick here is to look flawless, seemingly without trying. Nothing screams desperate louder than a girl who is all dolled up in her nicest outfits lounging outside of Terry. Instead, throw on a nice fitting frocket (one that displays your letters loud and proud) and make sure you look your finest. Trust me, the fellows will come flocking.
Step 3: Instagram everything. The men will come up to you and flirt during your afternoons on campus, and soon you will be receiving an influx of friend requests. This step is crucial. These boys have only ever seen you in your I-look-good-but-I’m-not-trying attire; they have way higher standards for your going out pictures. Nothing spruces up some mediocre pics like a lighting adjustment and filter on Instagram. Also, make sure you take pictures with your pretty friends, but not ones that are prettier than you. That way the boys know you don’t hang around with uggos, but it’s also crystal clear that you’re the queen of the pack.
Step 4: On your first date, STAY CLASSY. A man won’t get down on one knee for a woman who is overly willing to get down on both of hers. You want him to see joint bank accounts in your future, not a joint cab ride home to his place. You don’t want to be marked down as another conquest the next morning, do you? Dress stylish but not skanky, and be coy but not overwhelming. Let your gent do most of the talking; this way you’ll get a better feel for if he could indeed be the one, and he’ll drive himself crazy wondering what you’re thinking. At the end of the night (after he’s paid the bill and opened all of your doors) leave him with a simple but enticing kiss. By this point, he doesn’t stand a chance.
Step 5: After he calls (and he will call) and there are several more dates, this studious stud will want to make it official. If not, he simply isn’t the one for you. You need a man who wants you to have a ring, not a fling. Once he does make you his girlfriend, the hard-to-get phase must end. Playing coy was fun, but coy does not a trophy wife make. This is the phase where you put this boy on lockdown. Ensure he desires nothing more than his dazzling girlfriend. Bake for his frat brothers, encourage him to do well on his tests, and impress his momma like it’s the last round of recruitment. On the flip side, make sure you’re not too much. Nothing drives away a golden gent more than a control freak.
Step 6: If you have flawlessly executed steps one through five, that Tiffany’s ring will undoubtedly be sitting pretty on your finger by the time graduation rolls around. Step number six is to simply say yes. Voila, congratulations future Mrs. Dr. Perfect.
This is your chance to live happily every after. Encourage your man to go wherever the money is, and then stay by his side regardless of any circumstance. Pretty soon, you’ll be sipping sweet tea by the pool at the country club while some babysitter watches after Junior and Georgia Ann.
Remember girls, the time is now to guarantee your future. Keep your eye on the handsome prize, stay focused and go get that MRS degree.
— Amber Estes is a sophomore from Athens majoring in public relations