I, Alan Corey, would like to formally declare my candidacy for SGA president.
I have purposely entered the presidential race late as my political agenda is to prove the most overlooked and democratic way to vote is the write-in vote. Today's candidates claim literacy is too low and legibility of handwriting too poor for the write-in vote to be effective.
Let us -- the student body -- prove those naysayers wrong. I believe my supporters can and will demonstrate their power to correctly and clearly spell my name in the write-in space on this year's ballot (ALAN COREY).
Why do we allow and vote for those candidates who choose to frivolously spend money on marketing themselves and debate trivial issues like safety and parking and HOPE?
I won't fall into this customary waste of time and money. Rather, I will sit at home gaining popularity as the aforementioned presidential hopefuls embarrass themselves out of the race. I do not need to prove the quality of my character through confidence-building rallies or self-marketing flyers and pamphlets. I trust the students will recognize I am the best for the position on the sole fact I am too good to campaign.
My running mate will be the intelligent Billy Landmine, a perfect fit for vice-presidency. Billy Landmine, if capable, would lend a helping hand to every student on campus. Billy's qualifications are head and shoulders above any other vice-presidential candidate. His political skills and history are clearly outlined on his personal Web site, (www.billylandmine.com). There, voters may view our agenda on their own terms.
This is to alleviate nonsense politicking and environmental concerns. Concerns such as polluting our media resources with crybaby banter about my validity to run for office and wasting precious paper products to scream their majoritistic opinions and boldfaced names. Though I am using a paper product to declare my presidency now, I feel justified as they were going to print this newspaper anyway (and I was originally writing this declaration for the online edition).
As I am a graduating senior this semester, if elected, I will purposely fail one of my classes to guarantee I will be available to fulfill my term in office next year. I feel this is an appropriate action, as I hope voters feel it is appropriate action to write-elect me president.
In the case of illness, death, or unavoidable graduation, I feel and fully endorse that Mr. Billy Landmine would represent the University in a fair and admirable way.
I will encourage others to make flyers, sandwich boards, Web sites, sky write, block vote, et cetera -- promoting my run for office via the write-in vote -- but I will not be partaking in this behavior, as I am too good. I cannot promise beer fountains or strippers in every classroom, but I do promise by writing in Alan Corey, you are voting to keep America free.
So sharpen your pencils for the sharp wit of Alan Corey and Billy Landmine in our Freedom 2000 platform. Thank you.
Footnote: SGA something-or-other Chris Hoofnagle has informed me there is no space on OASIS for a write-in vote. Readers, if you feel strongly about your right to vote or really want me to fail a class, please call and harass the SGA office at 542-8584. Remember, we should all have our 'write to vote!'
-- Alan Corey is a senior in management information