121015_cbs_NormalTownTree0019.jpg (copy)

A large tree has been chopped down for the crime of producing too much pollen. (Photo/ C. B. Schmelter, cody.schmelter@gmail.com)

The time has come for the annual resurgence of springtime allergies. Sufferers of the yearly affliction are preparing for the month-long loss of their noses, temporary asthma and general body fluid leakage.

Those that don’t directly suffer from constant congestion face a different problem. Forced to listen to the sneezing and sniffing that haunts public spaces, people spared of allergies suffer just as badly.

However, though allergies are a universal problem, we have yet to approach the only suitable solution. We must get rid of plants.

Science tells us that 74.2 percent of annual allergies are caused by pollen, and a whopping 96 percent of pollen comes directly from trees and flowers. The remaining four percent are distributed by government experiment ships.

We could easily rid ourselves of much of the issue by simply ensuring all pollen-producing plants and spore-producing fungi are obliterated in a fiery inferno. With no plants to spread their seminal fluid over campus, the human sinus may rejoice once again.

However much people might push other remedies, they simply don’t work.

Jane “Hypochondria” Bennet is a local allergy sufferer who’s been searching for a remedy for years.

“I’ve tried every pill out there, local honey, herbal teas, botox injections, spiritual channeling, everything. But I still go through sixty boxes of tissues every spring.”

Until we as a society are brave enough to face this issue in the only way that makes sense, victims like Jane will continue to suffer at the hands of the real monsters, plants.

Recommended for you

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.